Happy May Day!

I feel a little bad for not celebrating or preparing for May Day more. It sorta snuck up on me. For those who don't know, today is the day that we finally throw off the chains of our capitalist oppressors. This pretty much includes all owners of capital, so go ahead and skip rent, don't go to work if you're making someone else money, etc.

OH MY GOD.

I just learned something. From wikipedia, so I'll need to verify, hang on...

Anyway, we all might remember from history class (just kidding, they didn't teach this) that May Day came as a response to the execution of some "bomb-throwing anarchists" in Haymarket Square. There was very little evidence at the trial, and it's considered a pretty big "oops" on the part of our judicial system.

Anyway, so International Workers Day is known around the globe as a celebration of the labor movement. Well, we don't celebrate that kind of thing in the United States. We don't like to think about issues of "class" and "labor". It's quite detrimental to the status quo, which is "EVERYONE is middle class"! If you have your own chopper and mansion, you probably consider yourself upper-middle class. If you live in a trailer, you probably still feel like you're middle class, since everyone around you is in the same situation. That's the beauty of the class system in America - no one feels poor, no one feels entitled, because there's no social mobility! Hooray!!

Oh, back to my point. We don't celebrate May Day in America. It's too socialist. Instead (I'm not kidding here) we celebrate....LOYALTY DAY!!! It used to be known as Americanization Day, but that was too many syllables.

So remember, instead of uniting with your fellow human beings today over the improvements in living standards made by the labor movement, pledge allegiance to your country. As long as it's the USA. If you're not in the US, enjoy your day off, socialist. We're busy putting in 60-hour workweeks and burning ourselves out.